I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
