You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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