I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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