I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
