I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
