Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
