I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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