you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
