Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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