my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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