My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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