The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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