just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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