Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
