I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
