just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
