Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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