her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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