Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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