I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
