just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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