I met the friendliest cop last night
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
