I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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