I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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