My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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