can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
