He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
