i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
