Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
