You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
