It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
