I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize