Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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