did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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