I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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