i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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