last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
