i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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