I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
