How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
