Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
