Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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