I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
