There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We don't watch enough power rangers
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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