and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize