3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
