we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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