Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
