i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
