Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
