If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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