Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
