Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
