An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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