i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
