from now on my penis is your penis
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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