im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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