If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
