Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
