Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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