I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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