____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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