grandma shit on top of the toilet
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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