You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
