if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
being pregnant is like rehab
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize