Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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