we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
