Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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