paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize