How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
time to smoke my breakfast
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
