When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
